


Chaos

by SAOShea



Series: Aftermath [3]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-25
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-28 19:40:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2744645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SAOShea/pseuds/SAOShea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lola Perry during episode 36.<br/>'Tremors' twin piece.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chaos

**Author's Note:**

> The bit between the line breaks is literally the events of Tremors from Perry's perspective.  
> It's in there so you don't have to read Tremors if you just want to read this one.  
> But for those of you that have read Tremors, you don't have to read between the line breaks.  
> Unless, of course, you want to. :)

_How far do you go to prolong someone else’s happiness whilst ignoring your own?_

Recently, Lola Perry had been thoroughly considering this question. It’s not something she’d had to think about much before; the only person’s happiness that had been so intimately entwined with hers to affect her in any way had been LaFontaine’s.

 

Thinking of LaF was not conducive to her daily routine, which usually contained much more of the short-haired scientist than it had done as of late. Of course they still spent time together, on LaF's terms. And for that she was grateful, initially... Then she would be irritated at herself, seemingly begging for scraps of LaF's time and would vow to put herself first. But her resolve only lasted as long as the time between seeing LaFontaine's smiles for her.

 

Lola prided herself on being a practical person and so she didn't throw herself into love ballads and ice-cream, like most girls were wont to do, and instead continued as she would have usually: baking, cleaning, taking care of the young students (and Laura particularly needed someone to hold her together as best they could). The only problem is she soon found her time emptying of things to do; her days like a full bucket of water, an almost imperceptible hole in the bottom letting a slow drip of the liquid ooze out until, almost suddenly, there was no water left. Without LaFontaine, there was no-one to eat the baked goods; no-one to clean up after once her room was spotless and - barring Laura - no-one to look after for a prolonged amount of time. Without LaF, she was lost; slowly descending into the neatest chaos she could. And, of course, the only person she could talk to was the only person she wouldn't dare talk to, for fear of ruining their happiness, because she just couldn't bring herself to put her happiness before LaF's.

 

A welcome distraction came in the form of the red-haired Summer Society VP, who appeared listless and heartbroken to almost anyone with eyes. Laura's grief, albeit completely justified, had taken its toll on Danny Lawrence; there was nothing she could do to fix it and being near Laura made her heart heavier, but Perry had noticed her walking outside (everyday since the battle), looking up at Laura's window as she continued her unending pacing, her stride purposeful but strained, heavy with her wounds from the battle.

 

Perry would be sure to be outside when Danny was nearby, a tupperware of her most recently baked goods ready to hand to Danny, along with a soft smile and a polite exchange (which inevitably hitched on the question "How's Laura?" and it's reply "She hasn't slept in a week."). But at least she had someone to look after and Danny trusted her to look after Laura where the tall girl couldn't.

 

The call from Danny, she thought, was inevitable. However, the content of the call (and the caller) was entirely bizarre.

 

"Yes, Kirsch. I did hear what you said," Lola interrupts, her complete shock making her irritable. "I'll be there in a minute. _Do not do anything stupid._ "

 

So, Perry collects some supplies she deems necessary and makes her way to the remains of the demolished Lustig Building, the grass underfoot changing from a lush baize-green to a crispy, charred black. Immediately, she strides her way through the throng of Zeta's to lean over the edge of the pit. She can just make out Danny disappearing into the darkness, it swallows up the tall redhead, unforgiving and unrelenting.

 

* * *

They wait for an inexorably long amount of time, Perry’s heart beating nervously, the thuds heavy and thick like her blood is made of molasses. Although, her breaths are steady, her nervous disposition having forced Lola to teach herself how to physically calm her body in times of great stress.

 

She hears Danny before she sees her: low, cracking growls echo their way up the chasm; the boys don't hear it, too busy talking amongst themselves. But as soon as they see Danny carrying the limp vampire over her shoulder the noise stops and hands reach out, ready to pull the Lit TA and her cargo out of the trench.

 

Lola notices the imperceptible grimace on the exhausted woman's features and senses that Danny doesn't want the help. Perry speaks over the now excited chatter, her voice loud but calm.

 

“Danny, do you need us to help you?” she asks. Her first instinct is to intervene - lift Carmilla from Danny’s shoulder and fuss over them - however, she also realises Danny’s need to do this herself, despite not quite understanding it. The tall woman shakes her head, grunting as she does so. Perry begins to shoo the Zeta's back, assuring them that she will ask if she needs their help.

 

She turns back to Danny, struggling to unbuckle the harnesses, blood and sweat making the task near impossible. Perry crouches by Danny, grabbing a towel and presses it into the other woman's hands. Danny makes quick work of removing the sticky red liquid.

 

“Thank you,” she says, her voice a cracked whisper. Perry then offers a water bottle and Danny grabs it and chugs from it, her breathing now less ragged. The floor don takes the water bottle and watches over Danny as she undoes the harnesses. She sees the Blade of Hastur fall out of the loosened harness and looks questioningly at the Summer Society VP.

 

“It was there. I figured I’d bring it up seeing as I was making the trip,” Danny shrugs and smiles sheepishly, causing a bark of a laugh to slip from Lola’s lips.

 

“We’ll get someone to take it with the climbing paraphernalia to the supplies shed, shall we?” Lola stands and gestures to Kirsch and his friends. “Will you clear this for us?” They nod enthusiastically, happy to help.

 

Perry turns to see Danny lifting Carmilla and notices the pain flash across the taller girl’s features, but waits until they are away from the group before saying anything.

 

“Are you sure you’re alright? I don’t want you hurting yourself anymore. You realise none of this is your fault, there’s no need to be reckless anymore,” she keeps her tone gentle, so as not to offend or hurt Danny.

 

“It’s difficult to explain. But I have to do this. For Laura,” the certainty in the Lit TA’s voice touches Lola’s heart. She nods.

 

“It’s okay, Danny. I know. But don’t forget she cares about you too. She’d be devastated if she’d lost you both,” Lola says, beginning to understand Danny’s foolhardiness and somewhat admiring it.

 

“Thank you,” Danny replies as they slowly approach the dorm building.

 

“It’s no problem, sweetie. I’m going to go on ahead and prop the doors open for you. I’ll prepare Laura,” Perry pats Danny’s arm, in a gesture of comfort and affection and then rushes on ahead, her’s and Danny’s strides both determined but their gaits entirely different.

 

Lola reaches Room 307 and knocks before entering. She quickly begins to explain about Kirsch and the cherry bombs, her words tripping over themselves as they rush to leave her lips.

She doesn’t get the chance to finish explaining, because Danny is behind her.

 

“Okay, sorry, easy-bake. She’s heavier than she looks.”  
  
Perry side-steps out of the way, watching the scene unfold with wide, disbelieving eyes. She’s glancing at Danny, worried that this frenetic hope Laura has built up will come crashing down if the results prove fruitless. But then Carmilla is actually alive and a bubble of happy wonderment expands in Perry’s chest. The moment is beautiful. Then she glances at Danny and the pure heartbreak on the tall woman’s features tugs at her heartstrings and she becomes aware of their awkward presence in the room, so she leaves with Danny. She wants to save her from any more of the crushing heartache as much as she wants to give Laura and Carmilla their privacy.

* * *

  

Danny stalks away from Room 307, her strides fast and long and Perry all but runs to stop Danny from running away.

 

“Danny,” she calls. “Danny, wait!”

 

As if Danny were a robot, running low on charge, she stops suddenly and sags.

 

“It was the only thing I could do. It was the best thing for her. And it hurts so much Lola. So much,” she mumbles to the floor. Lola’s arms encase Danny, holding her up against the weight of her fractured heart. A hiss of pain spits from between the taller woman’s teeth as Perry’s hands clasp her back. Lola remembers the blood and realises Danny’s wounds must have opened again. Her instincts kick in from years of tending the cuts of the accident prone and impulsive LaF and she’s dragging Danny to her room down the hall.

 

“Sit,” she waves at the stool by the desk and goes to the sink to wash her hands and collect the first aid kit. She returns, placing the first aid kit, now open, on the desk beside her impromptu patient. She starts rolling up Danny’s top, gently prying it from the bloody wounds. They are numerous but it’s mostly the deeper ones that have opened. They are still bleeding, but not nearly as profusely as they must have been earlier. She tuts.

 

“Lola, you don’t have to-”

 

“Nonsense, you need someone to look after you. And besides, we both need a distraction,” Perry interrupts. The Lit TA has elected to be an easier patient than LaFontaine ever was, and removes her top entirely. Perry notices the tension in her muscles as the pain ripples through them.

 

“That bad with LaF, huh?” the half-hearted question from Danny almost makes Lola smile - despite her emotional and physical pain Danny still tries to look out for others - and it does make her heart melt a little more.

 

“Oh honey, we have plenty of time to talk about me. It’s fresh for you. Let me clean your cuts and we can have a hot drink and you can talk to me.”

 

Perry takes a damp gauze cloth and clamps it over the open TCP bottle and upturns it. She repeats this process a couple more time on different areas of the cloth, her mind wandering back to just after the battle where she performed this exact same action, but for LaFontaine. They had defended Perry tooth and nail, taking the brunt of all the attacks, while Perry remained almost completely unscathed. The least she could do was tend their wounds. The almost gripping clarity of her memory makes her pause for a moment to collect herself.

 

The floor don begins to clean Danny’s wounds, quickly and efficiently. She notices the stiffening of Danny’s back, the clench of her jaw and the sharp inhalations. A long sigh then leaves Danny and as Perry bandages her wounds, she can almost hear the tears falling from her eyes as she speaks:

 

“I want her to be happy. That’s all I want. More than anything, I wanted to be the cause of happiness in her. But if I’m not, then who am I to stand in the way?”

 

The floodgates break and the sobs leave Danny in fits and starts. Lola strokes her hair and hugs her as she shakes. The words hit Lola and a lump forms in her throat. Another memory hits her, with more ferocity.

 

_Perry dabs at the cuts across LaFontaine’s face, very gently, taking care not to put too much pressure on the slowly scabbing wounds._

_“Thanks,” LaF whispers, their eyes meet Perry’s. She smiles fleetingly before continuing._

_“For everything,” they whisper again and a few tears slip from Perry’s eyes. She kisses LaF’s forehead to hide her tears. She hugs LaFontaine tightly, her nose pushed into the top of their hair._

_“You know I’d do anything for you. I-I…” the words hang at the back of her throat._

_“Me too, Perr. Me too.”_

 

It’s all very dramatic, they're both crying and clinging to each other and it feels like a scene from one of those ridiculous romantic dramas that she only ever watches with LaF because they like finding the plot holes and she likes the light in LaFontaine’s eyes when they make her laugh.

 

They're both entirely unused to this vulnerability and very soon (it can't be any longer than half a minute, Perry considers) they make an unspoken but mutual decision to extract themselves from each other's grasps. A vague atmosphere of discomfort settles between the two and Danny seems to become hyper-aware of her lack of attire and motions to put her top back on. Lola tuts at her for the second time that afternoon. Danny looks at her, bemused. Her eyes are red and puffy.

 

"You can't put that back on, it's all bloody," Perry says, "Borrow one of mine." And before Danny can argue, she's looking through her closet to find the longest t-shirt she can find. After a little rifling through the pristine stacks, she procures a bright yellow t-shirt.

 

"I only ever use it as a night shirt because it's too big, but I'm sure it'll fit your height," Perry hands the top to Danny who stands to pull it over her head, without argument. It certainly fits her height, coming down to just below her hips, but it wasn't made for someone with her lithe frame and looks like someone draped a bin liner over her. They both pause and stare at Danny's reflection in the mirror hanging from the inside of the closet door. Then they begin laughing. It starts off as small, simmering chuckles and quickly escalates to snorts and guffaws.

  
"If it looks like this on me, I dread to imagine what it looks like on you!" Danny stops laughing long enough to say, "What on Earth possessed you to get this?"

 

In reply, Perry pauses and smiles fondly. Danny stays silent as the smile turns almost wistful. Eventually, Perry speaks: “I think we were about seven - maybe eight - and I saw this in a store window one day when we were walking back from the park. I adored the design, pandas were my favourite animal at the time, and I remember being so sad when I hadn’t the money to buy it. The next day, Su-LaFontaine knocked on my door about an hour later than usual - which wasn’t a surprise, timekeeping has never been their best trait - but sh-they handed me this shirt and said: ‘I had to wait for Dad to walk with me to town to get it and they only had one left but I didn’t like seeing you sad.’  
“I wore it for days after and it was like a dress on me. But I didn’t care, it made me so happy. A few years later, I found out in passing that LaFontaine had spent all their money on it, even the savings from their piggy bank,” Lola’s eyes turn glassy and the smile slowly falls from her face.

 

“I can’t wear this. I’ll wear my other top, I honestly don’t mind,” Danny says, motioning to undress for the second time that afternoon. Lola shakes her head and flaps her hands.

 

“Nonsense, Danny. It’s fine. I trust that you’ll bring it back. I’m sure LaFontaine won’t notice, anyway. Not that it matters,” her voice trails off and she hurries abruptly to the sink, “Do you want a drink? I have tea, coffee, cocoa and-” she is interrupted by Danny laying a hand on her shoulder.

 

“Seriously, Perry. Talk to me. What’s up?” the taller girl speaks softly, as if she’s scared she’ll startle the floor don. 

 

“I just- They don’t- I can’t…” Perry stutters. She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. She opens her eyes and to see Danny looking earnestly at her.

 

"Would you like a tea?" the Lit TA asks, prying the tightly clutched mug from Perry's grasp, "You sit down. I'll make it."

 

Perry smiles at Danny, small but grateful and perches on her pristinely-made bed, speaking as she does so: "Green, if you wouldn't mind. The box is labelled. Help yourself to whatever you'd like."

 

Danny retrieves a second mug and puts green tea in both. As she waits for the kettle to boil she turns to look at Lola.

 

"So, have you and LaF fallen out? Because I'd be happy to have words with them if they've said anything bad to you," her words are sharp and Lola can't help but smile, even as she shakes her head.

 

"No, nothing like that... I just- I feel replaced. We are- were always so integral to each other and now they're not here I'm not sure if I misunderstood our whole dynamic," she pauses and Danny takes the opportunity to finish brewing the tea. The taller redhead brings the mugs over and goes to sit back on the stool. Perry stops her.

 

“Sit here. With me. I- Please,” her voice is reserved but her eyes are pleading and Danny can’t possibly say no. She sits and wraps her free arm around Perry, who falls into the embrace so her head is resting in the crook between Danny’s neck and shoulder.

 

“Thank you,” she sighs, “I haven’t had a hug since the night after the battle.”

 

Another memory catches her in it’s web:

 

_“I never apologised,” Perry says._

_“For what?” LaF looks at her confused._

_“For our argument,” she clarifies, “For all that I said.”_

_“It’s fine, Perr,” LaF says, trying to skirt around the subject._

_“It’s not fine. I know when you’re lying and it’s not fine,” her voice is hard, “You were gone and I realised I needed you. Because you are my only constant. And everything is changing. And you’re changing too and I just don’t know where I am anymore. I don’t ever want you to feel like you’re not being you, but I feel like I’m losing you. Like you don’t need me like we used to need each other. You’re leaving me behind and everything is becoming a chaos of emotions I’ve never had to handle before,” her voice is shaking by the end of her speech and her eyes are glassy._

_She takes a deep breath and shakes her head, “I’m not really sure what I’m saying. But I am sorry, for everything.”_

_LaF doesn’t say anything. They just pull Lola to them, crushing her in a tight hug, the action an unspoken acceptance of her apology and a way of hiding the brimming tears in their eyes._

  
She’s briefly describing the memory to Danny, when the her voice snaps again and she can’t speak because it’s too difficult. Danny pulls Lola tighter into her chest, while the shorter girl concentrates on keeping her breathing rhythmic and even.

 

“I can sort of see why they get on with JP so well,” Danny begins, Lola looks up at her as she continues, “They get each other’s passion for knowledge and he can understand they’re finding where they fit in.”

 

Lola nods, sitting up completely.

 

“I wish I could be that for LaFontaine. I need to get better at knowing how to cope with change,” she sighs. Danny finishes the last of her tea and stands.

 

“I think you should tell them that you want to try. I think that’ll make it easier for you both to know where the other stands,” she says as she walks over to the sink and rinses her mug out.

 

“I should probably be on my way. Thanks for tea and for patching me up. I’ll get the top back to you tomorrow,” her voice is friendly enough, but Perry notices the stoic mask and sag of her shoulders. She wants to do more to help the TA but intuites that Danny would probably have opened up more or asked if she’d wanted Perry’s help.

 

“It’s no bother. Thank you too, Danny,” she smiles briefly.

  
It’s almost as if fate were working in her favour because as Danny leaves, LaF arrives.

 

“Hey, P. You okay?” they ask as they sit next to Perry on her bed.

 

“I wanted to talk to you,” Perry began, LaF’s brow furrowed in concern but they stayed silent and waited for Perry to continue. “I wanted to say that I’m sorry I haven’t tried harder with you. I hadn’t thought enough about you and I realise now that is why there’s a distance between us and I want to fix it. I want you to be happy, because then I can be happy too. And-”

 

LaF reaches for her hand when she pauses and their finger’s twine with hers. She squeezes their hand and her bottom lip quivers as she smiles tentatively.

 

“I love you, LaFontaine.”

 

“I know, Perr. I love you, too. Thank you,” they pull Perry to them and they embrace each other tightly, reminiscent of the last hug they shared. But different, because there are soft smiles in the place of tears and a warm comfort instead of tension.

  
“By the way,” says LaF into her hair, “Why was Stretch wearing that shirt I got you?”

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, this took much longer to write than I thought it would... it was probably all that angst (but I hope the ending made up for all the angst before it).
> 
> The '"How's Laura?" "She hasn't slept for a week."' exchange is a quote from *that* comic, and if you don't know what I mean by *that* comic, you should check it out, but be careful... it's not for the faint of heart:  
> http://toodrunktofindaurl.tumblr.com/post/103699335461/oops-my-hand-slipped-again-x-im-sorry-for


End file.
